Dear Husband: Part 12

Dear Husband,

The next year was full of family, moving back home, missing my roommates, and running to the mailbox at 6 every Friday. I knew a letter would come every two weeks, and I almost couldn’t make it inside fast enough to read it. Granny was sweet enough to send me your email every single Monday. I knew, right at 8:00 I’d get an email with the subject line: ENGLAND and my heart always melted.

I remember getting close to your year mark, and having the hardest time with life. I decided to try the dating thing, and had been on a couple of dates with those I had met in my ward and institute. They were nice boys but at the end of the night, I cried for your arms to hug me. My heart was pulled in different directions, and I remember just knowing I was going to have to tell you. I had no idea what to say… but I had to say it.

I remember crying my eyes out when I received your response letter in the mail. I remember kneeling, praying and pleading with my Father in Heaven to tell me you were the one. The one I was meant to be with, the one I loved. I got nothing. It was so frustrating. I was mad, angry, and heartbroken. I loved you and someone else and I had no answer.

I knew God wasn’t going to tell me if you were meant to be mine while you were serving Him, yet I found myself asking him daily. I pondered a lot, and as the days went by, it got better but not easier. You were so forgiving and so kind. I didn’t deserve it but you still loved me.  I cried, for so long. I don’t think I ever forgave myself for dating for a while. I knew from then on we would be together. I knew our story would work out and that you would come home to me.

I remember feeling motivated, brand new and ready for your return… except, it was only your year mark, and I still had twelve long months until you did…

To be continued…

Browsing

Growing up, my mom would take us to the mall to “browse.” It was basically pure torture. Especially after your birthday or Christmas because you could only say, “Mom, could I get this for my birthday/Christmas?” And of course she’d say yes, and we’d forget about it. I bet I never received one thing from the mall that my mother told me I could have for my birthday/Christmas ;) She’s such a sneaky mom! Now she’ll tell me that was the only way she would get us to stop whining for toys, and make browsing much easier. I hated browsing, it was so pointless and we always ended up going home with empty hands.

I love browsing now. I love just going to the mall and looking through the stores. When I don’t have money, I crave shopping. But when I do have money, I can never get myself to spend it on anything. It’s really ridiculous but in a good way. I love just seeing what stores have until I absolutely fall in love with something, then it becomes hard. Today, my husband and I went to the mall for one thing, and ended up browsing all the stores.

I needed an iPod shuffle for working out. They were cheap but I wanted it from the Apple store. We live right near one so it worked out! I wasn’t sure which color I wanted because I don’t really like the metallic, shiny color they use. I like just solid colors. I saw a collection of red things and I noticed they had a shuffle in red. It was a special edition and some of the proceeds went to help studies in Africa concerning AIDS. Luckily they still had some and I totally got one. I’m so excited!! :) It came in it’s own cute little box. I’m so excited to use it for working out! :) I love that it will just easily clip onto my shirt or my bottoms without having to wear an armband that gets all sweaty and cuts off circulation!

Afterwards, we browsed the mall and went into Crate & Barrel. We looked at their champagne/wine glasses because they’re so fun! Brady and I are growing a collection because we love drinking sparkling cider out of them! That store makes me so excited to get a house someday and make it all pretty and nice :) I can’t wait until we can afford one!! I don’t do well with crowds so when I think I want to go into a store, I usually don’t by the time I see how many people are in there or how messy the store is (ie: H&M). Of course we had to hit up the Microsoft kiosk for Brady. It’s like his dream. We told the lady we were just feeding his Microsoft crave and just letting him play. He can literally hold some of the big phones in his hand. They’re almost as big as his hand!! He wants a surface real bad, so we’ll see what Santa brings to him next year!

We got some Ms. Field’s cookies because come on, every time you go to the mall you need a cookie. Haha, we got me some cute hair accessories and decided to come home. I love browsing with Brady. He’s really good at it. At one point I said, “See, isn’t browsing so fun!” And I immediately caught myself :O that is exactly what my mom would say to us when we were younger. Gosh I love her. I wish you all knew her like I did, she’s the bomb.

Dear Husband: Part 11

Dear Husband,

I don’t even know where to start. I remember feeling really grateful it was Christmas break right after you left, so I was able to be around my family while I struggled. I wrote a piece of my day on paper, every day until I heard from you. I felt bad because I remember when I received my first letter from you, you had been waiting for a letter from me. I sent my letter off to you as fast as I could.

I remember tears falling down my cheeks as the Spirit testified to me how great the sacrifice we were making, was. I remember smiling, giggling and reading to my family the words you shared with me. It was comforting to know you were finally to your destination, safe and sound. It felt great to have this journey start.

I remembering crying when I received my first letter from you in the mail box. It was simple, short and sweet but just what I needed. I missed you so much. My heart ached for your smell, for your face, your beautiful smile and the eyes that made my heart melt just simply looking at me. I missed all your quirky jokes, and the small things I noticed but didn’t truly notice until you were gone. I remember picking up a small black box from your house after you left and I didn’t want to go into your room. It was too painful, and I was too sad. But what that small box contained inside helped me throughout that first year, than I ever thought it would.

I call this my little black box. All it had were pieces of paper that you threw together before you left, with small notes on them from you. I remember thinking how cute it was that you signed every paper yourself. I loved how small your signature was. Something I didn’t understand. Why even sign if it’s going to be that small? But I loved it anyway. You told me to read a note every time that I felt sad or wanted to cry. So sweet.

I probably went through the whole box in the first month. Or at least, I remembering feeling like it did. The chart was taking forever to fill, and I just wanted to eat all the m&m’s so you’d be home already. I remember needing you so badly. It was like you were gone, but you weren’t. You were just temporarily out of the country. Something my heart didn’t understand, and something my brain didn’t want to think about.

Those small papers meant so much to me. Knowing you’d kissed every single one of them. Oh how much they meant to me… That first year was the longest, hardest year I’d ever experienced. So much change, so much heartache, and pleading night after night for it to get easier…

Going back to school that Spring semester was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Knowing we wouldn’t be skyping every night just about killed me. I wasn’t really used to the no calling or texting but after a while it got better. Every now and then I’d get a letter in the mail from my mom that actually contained the letter from you.

I missed you so much. My heart hurt for you so much, and nobody could understand. I got close with my roommates and spent endless nights stalking the internet for even a glimpse of your face in a picture off of a missionary blog. I wasn’t sure I was ready for school, reality, a job… basically just life, let alone the next two years, but I found myself surviving each day…

On and off of course…

To be continued…

Melt My Heart

I truly have the sweetest husband ever. And he’s extremely good looking. I love the way he smiles, and laughs. I love his cute scruff but not for too long. I love his sweet, embracing, warm hugs that hold me tight when the tears won’t stop. I love how much I miss him every single day, because it makes seeing him that much better when it is time to come home. I love how tall he is, because I never have to worry about not reaching something. I adore how smart he is too. Oh how proud I am for him for all that he accomplishes. But most of all, I love his sweet looks. He always has the softest smile and just looks at me. It’s the same way he looked at me when he first saw me in my wedding dress, and when we were sealed for time and all eternity. It’s the look I longed to see while he was on his mission, and it still melts my heart to this day… I love Brady so much, and I’m so grateful he loves me back, just as much.

Dear Husband: Part 10

Dear Husband,

I remember bawling my entire way to school that night. My roommates, were so kind and loving and always making sure I was doing okay. You weren’t actually leaving the country for a few days but that was the last time I’d see you in person. I tried to cope the best I could, but I was truly struggling with reality.

Wednesday came and I couldn’t stop shaking all day. I don’t think I even paid attention in class, or studied for finals. It was around 3:00 PM and we promised we would Skype goodbye, 1 more time. I loved that Skype was our thing, and I knew I needed this last goodbye. We only Skype’d for 58 seconds, and it was the shortest 58 seconds of my life. I cried the whole time. Neither of us really knowing what to say. All I can remember are the words “I love you” and how you tried to lift my spirits while I was trying to accept reality.

Your mom called you in the middle of our Skype and said it was time to go and that you had a few errands to run with her before seeing the Stake President.  No… no!! this can’t be happening. Not right now. We need more time. I’m not ready to say goodbye. This isn’t my life! Stay, don’t go. Stay and be with me.

But no matter how badly my heart was pleading, you had to go, and I remember saying goodbye and just breaking down in my roommates room. I just cried and all they could do was hug me. It was the last time I would see your face, the last time I’d see you smile in real life and not just a photo. Today was our 6 month anniversary and I was sending you off on a mission. But you’re in the Lord’s hands now, and there was nothing I could do about it…

The next morning I received a surprise. I remember for a while you said I would be getting something on the day you left but I didn’t quite understand how that would happen. Maybe an extra phone call at the airport? A pinch to know this wasn’t really happening? But what happened wasn’t what I expected.

I remember creating a new email a while back, a “professional” one, as my parents said. And I hardly ever used it. But almost a week after you left I got a prompting to check it. I knew nothing would be in my inbox because I hardly used it but I thought, what the heck. And to my surprise there sat an unread email from you, in my inbox. I remember freaking out and telling all of my roommates. I will always remember that very first, sweet, loving email. You had it ready to send to me about a month earlier as a surprise, and it would arrive the day you left. I cried and it was the best gift ever.

“It is November 9, and I just found this thing that would allow me to send you emails that would come later :)))))))))))))))))))) You will be getting emails on Valentine’s day, your birthday, and Christmas.” 

It didn’t go by fast, but the first week was a lot more bearable than I thought, but it was just the first week, and I had 103 more to go…

To be continued….