I’ve talked a few times about my anxiety and depression. These past couple of years have been extremely rough. All of my ups and downs, hospital stays, endless nights of crying. All the times I couldn’t make it to work, eat, sleep or even feeling like I could breathe. It saddens me that this has been the cycle of my life for the past two years. It came out of nowhere, and at the worst time possible.
Being a newlywed with such severe mental health issues, is a really hard thing to go through. I constantly felt like such a burden, and that Brady married a crazy woman. I felt scared to talk to anyone in fear that I would end up in a hospital. And when I did, I was oh so happy. Because leaving the hospital made me feel more confident in myself, that I can get better.
Things never looked up and I was still struggling pretty badly. I couldn’t make it to work, or school and eventually dropped the semester, twice in two years with skipping the other two. It was depressing and I was embarrassed. I was supposed to get my degree years ago. I should have a full-time job doing what I love most.
My dad was able to help me get a job where he worked, and with Brady’s new job, we got new insurance which meant new health care providers. I searched for a therapist and a psychiatrist and finally found one of each at the same location covered by insurance (blessing #1). Brady and I moved into his dad’s basement earlier this year and it’s down the street from my therapist and APRN’s office (blessing #2). My job has been incredible with my health situation and school situation. Very understanding managers and team leads. I couldn’t have asked for a better job to be offered to me at this time.
After a couple of different medicine’s, and a lot of therapy sessions, I’m here again. I’m right back where I’ve always wanted to be. And where is that? —After high school graduation, I started dating Brady and things in my life started to fall into place. My (then) therapist told me that she felt I was doing well enough to only come as needed. I don’t remember if I was on medication or not but I felt like I was happier than ever. It was like that until a few months before I got married.
I’ve always been a little bit more emotional than a lot of my family and friends, but when this wave of anxiety and depression hit, I honestly can’t tell you what happened. Maybe it was getting married, being apart from Brady even more, a new job position, working full-time for the first time in my life; I’ll never know. But what matters now is that I’m there again.
I’m back to when Brady and I started dating. I’m happy, and content. I feel at peace and that I no longer feel as though something is missing. I laugh more, and I itch to be outside more. I love hiking, going on canyon drives and getting out of the house. I picked up photography a lot this year, and it has really helped me. I’m really into reading, including my scriptures.
I want to have a better day, and I wake up feeling so. I want to be happy, and I feel like I have more control over that. I want to be nice, friendly and love others even if I don’t know them. I’m going to the gym every morning at 5:00 and it has only added more positivity to my life. I enjoy it; I love it.
I just don’t know how else to explain it. I’m doing fabulous! Better than ever before, and I will probably stay here for a while. I am choosing to stay here for a while. I love my husband and I’m so thankful that he stuck by my side even closer through these past two years. We don’t know what the future holds for my mental health issues, but we have each other.