It feels good to be here again

December 14, 2015

I’ve talked a few times about my anxiety and depression. These past couple of years have been extremely rough. All of my ups and downs, hospital stays, endless nights of crying. All the times I couldn’t make it to work, eat, sleep or even feeling like I could breathe. It saddens me that this has been the cycle of my life for the past two years. It came out of nowhere, and at the worst time possible.

Being a newlywed with such severe mental health issues, is a really hard thing to go through. I constantly felt like such a burden, and that Brady married a crazy woman. I felt scared to talk to anyone in fear that I would end up in a hospital. And when I did, I was oh so happy. Because leaving the hospital made me feel more confident in myself, that I can get better.

Things never looked up and I was still struggling pretty badly. I couldn’t make it to work, or school and eventually dropped the semester, twice in two years with skipping the other two. It was depressing and I was embarrassed. I was supposed to get my degree years ago. I should have a full-time job doing what I love most.

My dad was able to help me get a job where he worked, and with Brady’s new job, we got new insurance which meant new health care providers. I searched for a therapist and a psychiatrist and finally found one of each at the same location covered by insurance (blessing #1). Brady and I moved into his dad’s basement earlier this year and it’s down the street from my therapist and APRN’s office (blessing #2). My job has been incredible with my health situation and school situation. Very understanding managers and team leads. I couldn’t have asked for a better job to be offered to me at this time.

After a couple of different medicine’s, and a lot of therapy sessions, I’m here again. I’m right back where I’ve always wanted to be. And where is that? —After high school graduation, I started dating Brady and things in my life started to fall into place. My (then) therapist told me that she felt I was doing well enough to only come as needed. I don’t remember if I was on medication or not but I felt like I was happier than ever. It was like that until a few months before I got married.

I’ve always been a little bit more emotional than a lot of my family and friends, but when this wave of anxiety and depression hit, I honestly can’t tell you what happened. Maybe it was getting married, being apart from Brady even more, a new job position, working full-time for the first time in my life; I’ll never know. But what matters now is that I’m there again.

I’m back to when Brady and I started dating. I’m happy, and content. I feel at peace and that I no longer feel as though something is missing. I laugh more, and I itch to be outside more. I love hiking, going on canyon drives and getting out of the house. I picked up photography a lot this year, and it has really helped me. I’m really into reading, including my scriptures.

I want to have a better day, and I wake up feeling so. I want to be happy, and I feel like I have more control over that. I want to be nice, friendly and love others even if I don’t know them. I’m going to the gym every morning at 5:00 and it has only added more positivity to my life. I enjoy it; I love it.

I just don’t know how else to explain it. I’m doing fabulous! Better than ever before, and I will probably stay here for a while. I am choosing to stay here for a while. I love my husband and I’m so thankful that he stuck by my side even closer through these past two years. We don’t know what the future holds for my mental health issues, but we have each other.

She Taught Me to Love Reading

December 12, 2015

One of the first books I ever really loved reading was Summer of the Monkeys. Anyone? Anyone? It’s a fabulous book. I read it in the 5th grade… maybe 6th grade?? After that, I fell in love with was The Two Princesses of Bamarre. I can’t remember if I read it in 6th or 7th grade. Probably 6th grade. I did a huge coloring project with scenes from the book. My mother read this book with me and we both loved it so much. She helped me stay up late, reading pages and taking turns. She helped me understand what was going on and how to best choose what to illustrate with each chapter. I had no idea I could love a book so much! Years went by before I willing picked up a book to read because I loved it. I told myself and everyone else that I hated reading. Around 10th or 11th grade, my language arts class was reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I hated it so much that I fell behind and started failing the tests, and eventually started to fail the class. I specifically remember the turning point in my love for reading. My friend was having a party at her house one weekend and I really wanted to go. I was really far behind on my reading and the only way my mom would let me go hangout with friends was if I read 15 chapters. I cried. I literally bawled my eyes out in my room. Screamed in my pillow and yelled at how unfair it was that my mother was doing this to me. But as I kept on reading those chapters until I was done, I fell in love with the story and the book. I ended up finishing the book on time, and aced all of my quizzes and tests in class. I knew a lot more than basically all the class and my teacher was impressed. I’ve sort of been obsessed since then. I love going to the library, and filling up my basket with the max amount of books they let you check-out. Reading a book is a magical thing. I am not really picky with genre’s but I definitely know when I do not want to read something. Haha, but I’ve been surprised with what I like over the years and the books I’ve read. Reading has really been an enjoyable hobby for me. Minus the fact that I just take my sweet time reading books. I don’t have any developmental delays when it comes to reading, I just read slowly. I have SO many books on my to-read list on Goodreads, but I’m slowly getting there; slowly. I’m excited to give you an insight to my 2016 reading list. My goal is 10 books, but I’ve got about 3 books on backup if I end up with extra time in the year to read! Thank you mama, for holding your ground and making me read. I have truly learned to love reading and I’m grateful that I am able to read so many wonderful books.

Why It Still Affects Me

December 8, 2015

The Church announced about a month or so ago, that the Jordan River LDS temple will be closing in the middle of February of 2016 until late 2017 for extensive renovation. I was so sad and bummed out. That’s a very long time for a temple to be closed; especially the busiest temple in the world. That temple has been standing for a very long time.

That temple has so much meaning to me. My parents were sealed there, Brady and I received our endowment there, it was the temple I went to for my very first baptism trip. It’s so small and has become my little home. I grew up attending that temple and spent so much time there serving the Lord. I’m going to miss it!

It’s our wards temple, and the one that Brady and I often go to because it’s the closest. I know that I’m very blessed to live in a city where we’re surrounded by 5 temples. Many members say that we shouldn’t be sad because we have so many temples around, while they only have 1 so many minutes away. But it’s still sad to me. It means so much to me.. I know it’s for the best, and probably much needed. I cannot wait to be at the open house and re-dedication in a couple of years. It’ll be beautiful :)

The reason I posted a photo of the Salt Lake temple and the pond that’s in front of it is because of these thoughts. I walk past it every single day, and I could only feel the Spirit and my Savior’s love knowing how blessed I am to walk past this temple each day. And to have so many temples surrounding me. It’s beautiful, and at times taken for granted, but always, always grateful for the temples.

Thanksgiving in Idaho!

December 7, 2015

Brady and I had so much fun over Thanksgiving! We visited his mother and step-dad in Idaho with some extended family members! We are so grateful to Cheryl and Barry for hosting and letting us stay with them. We were so spoiled with family time, it was great!

We prepped food, played video games, ate food, watched a lot of Christmas movies, played games and just talked and talked. While we prepped the food and just relaxed with each other, it start to lightly snow. It was so magical being up in the mountains watching it snow. Then it started snowing quick and the snowflakes were thick! It was so gorgeous. Emily and I tried our best to capture the snow in time-lapse and slow-motion videos. It was fun.

 

Thanksgiving day was fabulous with the most delicious meal ever! We had so many pies, but the chocolate pudding pie won my heart over (actually, it’s the only kind of pie I will eat). After we let our stomach’s settle, we played a lot of hilarious games!

We played Family Feud, Minute-to-win-it, Let’s Make a Deal and the kids played Bingo! I was able to move a cookie from my forehead, to the inside of my mouth, using only facial movements in less than 20 seconds. It was crazy! Brady got me doing it on a video!

Unfortunately, Brady had to go home early the next day and I stayed to spend more time with family, and to do a family photo shoot for a friend who lived in the area. It was so great and I can’t wait to share photos here! I love Thanksgiving time. I missed my family a lot, and may have shed a tear or two thinking about them, but I’m so grateful for Brady’s family and making the holiday weekend so great that I couldn’t be too sad for very long! We are definitely blessed in the family department ;)