The Man I Married


I call this the “babe face,” or “Brady face.” 💛 When he looks at me like that, my heart completely melts. It’s a soft, confident, genuine look of love and happiness. It’s the set-everything-aside-I’m-totally-serious look… the one that sees right through me and tells me that I have indeed found the one in whom my soul loves.

Brady is so patient with me. My life has not gone as planned in any direction I have, or have tried, to take. It is frustrating, and it is lonely. I feel like I will never get a chance to do the things that I want to do; which is everything. I have been humbled in my efforts to choose to be and feel and live happy this past week. I’m really trying… I really am. I am doing a lot of self-pep talks and things. God has shown me a side of my heart that I haven’t seen in a very long time.

Brady and I are kind of in the middle of making some decisions regarding our future plans and all that comes with it. It’s scary, it’s intense (mostly for me 😉) and it is trying. I have called upon God many-a-times this week to help me to just be happy and to see things as Brady sees them. To trust my husband and not that devil on my shoulder named anxiety. It has been hard, not in an ignorant or complaining way. Anxiety is hard.

But when I throw aside all of my arguments, all of my wants and dislikes.. I’m finally able to see the man that I love and married and dated and waited for. I am able to see him as more than I ever have. The unknown frightens me to death and leaves me feeling so physically sick. This week, I have had talks with myself, doing self-soothing and all, and when I stand outside of my box, I see that Brady is seeking out my happiness, he is seeking out our happily ever after, he is planning for the future we both dream of… the future we will work hard for.

I love my husband very, very much. I have made it very well known since he left on his mission 7 years ago 😉 and I will keep making it known. I love talking, writing and sharing how happy & loved he makes me feel. I love sharing that happy part of my life with you. And I’m sure those readers who’ve been around a long time are probably happy to read happy posts!! My husband isn’t the enemy that my depression & anxiety make me feel. He isn’t keeping me from doing things I want. He does believe in me, and he wants what’s best for me.

I’ll leave you with this. When we met with our Stake President for our temple recommends and sealing recommend for our wedding day, he shared with us something that will stay with me through all eternity. He said, “if you put his/her happiness before your own, you will be happy.” 💕 My gosh, can I just tell you how true it is! 

I love my husband and his happiness is my happiness.

xoxo

Currently – July ’17

2017 © Ashley Ziegler Photography

*Disclaimer: this post does contain affiliate links.

2017 © Ashley Ziegler Photography
2017 © Ashley Ziegler Photography

documenting — I am documenting my life via planners, Instagram, blog posts, Facebook, photo shoots, Twitter… I prefer digital journaling over physical journaling. I haven’t been able to successfully keep up with a physical journal since I graduated high school. It held me together in high school and probably through my first and second year of college. Then I got married and poof! it’s all gone. Haha!

accomplishing — well well well. This is my biggest struggle right now!! I have been talking about it non-stop for quite some time. Life plans were supposed to change in January of this year but they didn’t and it totally threw my life off course and I haven’t been able to hop back on the train again.. it’s been really difficult so I’m not accomplishing anything right now.

enjoying — my planners. I purchased my very first Erin Condren planner this Spring and it started this week so I’m really excited to start using it. I’ve decided I’m going to use it as my “wellness” planner. I’m going to focus on planning things like reading books, taking walks, drawing, therapy appointments, cleaning… pretty much “me time” stuff. I’m excited!

reading — Oh my gosh am I reading right now!! Haha, I’m currently reading: Cultivate, Chances Are, The Healing Code, Grace Not Perfection, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban… and probably a few more. So many good books to read!!

spending — I’m trying not to spend anything!! I actually mapped out our entire finances in a spreadsheet via Google Docs. It’s crazy. I even included our car loans, and my student loans (since we’re currently paying on them), and even though that adds up a HUGE chunk of our entire debt number, we’re going to be completely debt free in 2023 (I believe… lol). I’m so excited, of course, things could change and that date could definitely change but for right now, that’s what we’re shooting for!!

Link up here or here! Then come back next month (first Wednesday of the month) to talk snacking (on), anticipating, borrowing, admiring, and purchasing with Anne and co-host Shea of Shea Lennon.

Save

Save

When Elder Holland Comes to Town…

Just kidding. He doesn’t always come to town. But a couple of weeks ago, he did.

We had our Stake Conference on June 11th. We found out in May that Elder Jeffrey R. Holland would be visiting us and I literally couldn’t even contain my excitement!!!! Not only was an Apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ coming to visit, but ELDER HOLLAND was coming. 

I have this weird thing that I bring upon myself, it’s called social anxiety. I literally get so anxious that I end up having a panic attack and start crying pretty hard. It often keeps me from going to social events like meeting up with friends, going to stake conference, etc. It’s really hard on me and I absolutely hate it but it’s just something I have to work through. :/

ANYWAY.

We arrived at 8:30 AM (more like 8:15) to get good seats. We were on the 5th row from the front where Elder Holland would speak to us. It was incredible. The meeting didn’t even start until 10:00 AM! Haha, but it was so worth it. I got to sit by my babe and my bff Abby. ANNNND my mom and Jess :) It was just a wonderful experience. Absolutely incredible. Abby and I always find ourselves doing everything together and this was one of them!

I wish I could remember everything he said, I really do. It was so good. We were getting a new stake presidency that day so, he spoke a lot on supporting and accepting those who are called to certain positions in the Church that we, as members, feel like it could have been filled by someone else. It’s kind of silly but people do! I always wondered why my dad was never in the bishopric like my friends’ dad. Or why my mom wasn’t in a super cool stake calling. You just do, it’s just apart of being within the Church. But the way he spoke about sustaining them anyway, and supporting them and promising with the Lord that you will serve alongside them. It was very powerful and probably something we needed to hear.

He then started talking about a few other things and incorporated the Book of Mormon. I say “things” because I literally just can’t really say all that he said. You just had to be there. Also, he speaks exactly the same in person/in the chapel as he does in General Conference. HAHA like woah… we can hear you loud and clear through the microphone ;) ;) ;) I kid I kid. But it was powerful and amazing and a complete testimony builder. God loves his Apostles. They are the same person both on TV and in your church building. They love us. They want to serve and help us. Some things I do remember him saying are:

  • “You can stay in the church. You can leave the church. But you cannot deny the evidence!”
  • “I read this book every year. I am not me without this book.”
  • “YOU CANNOT DENY THE EVIDENCE!”

A little bit of emphasis on that last one because we all know Elder Holland. Haha, anyway, the “evidence” that he speaks of is the proof that God lives, Jesus Christ atoned for our sins and the Book of Mormon is the most correct book on the earth today. The evidence that Angels are real, Heaven exists and this is the true-living Church of God, the ONLY true church on the earth today. I cried. I cried through his entire talk. surprise surprise. It was exactly what I needed, what my friends needed, my family… our stake. It was everything and more. I need to read the Book of Mormon. Every year, every day.


I know, without a doubt, that my Heavenly Father loves me. I know that Jesus Christ lives. I know that the Prophet and President of the Church today, is Thomas S. Monson. I know that Apostles are real, and that they are just like us. I know, that after hearing him speak to us, God is ever-mindful of us individuals and what we need to hear and when we need to hear it. This church is true. It is the truest of the truest. It is life-saving, life-changing, and eternal. I would not be who I am today without it. I would not be able to live, breathe, love, or enjoy life without the gospel of Jesus Christ. I am thankful for the many Pioneers and ancestors who trekked across the country to bring this light. My family is eternal. My marriage is eternal. I don’t understand, and I might not ever, some of the doctrine, the policies or any other decisions the Church makes. AND THAT’S OKAY. It’s okay that I have questions, and it’s most definitely okay that I wrestle while working through that. Nothing in this world, no alcohol, drugs, partying, stealing, etc. would EVER be more worth it. NOTHING. I know what I know because of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I have had way too many sacred experiences, and too many witnesses to deny it.

What I Can Do with My Anxiety

I’ve been having a no-good, horrible, very-bad day. It started with going to work. A huge panic attack arose. I couldn’t fight it, I kept it in as long as I could. Then I broke down. Cried really hard. Confessed honest feelings about myself to my husband. And here I am, watching Netflix already feeling panic about going to work tomorrow. 

After talking to my husband & my mom about the things I can’t do in regards to my life and mental health, I started to feel tired. I usually do. Crying brings a migraine and that brings exhaustion. But I felt strongly about making a list a things I CAN do when I’m experiencing anxiety.

It’s so hard to coninually feel like all you do is negative. All you talk is negative. Your thinking–negative. Because that’s anxiety. But I want people to know that I can function when I’m experiencing anxiety. Even if I can’t hold a job, I can still be productive and take care of myself too.

  • Read a book
  • Go to the temple and serve
  • Craft/create
  • Therapy
  • Clean
  • Small business from home
  • Meet with Karli–meal planning
  • Exercise ☝︎
  • Learn a new skill
  • Spend time with family/nephews
  • Go to the library
  • Blog
  • Maybe start growing a garden?
  • Go to church
  • Take notes on something
  • Hiking

These are just a few things I know that I can handle when I’m feeling anxious. I’m not some lazy human who sits at home and sulks in sadness. Of course, there isn’t anything wrong with staying home. But I also enjoy having many interests, it’s part of being an ESFJ.

I’m going to try to make a self-care kit and probably include some of these!