Browsing Category | suicide prevention

I Don’t Post About Depression for You

Quote made with the Wordswag App

There’s a lot of controversy over my blog. A lot of people love it while a lot of people hate it.

“It’s so nice to hear someone else going through the same thing!”

“Isn’t it exhausting? Talking about it all the time?”

More often than not, I get negative comments, messages, phone calls… anything from something I posted. I get it. I posted it which means that I’m “asking for it.” And while that may be true to you, I’m not posting for you.

I’m not going to say that I was that I loooooove this trial/blessing of depression and anxiety and that it is my calling to have it and to live it and to share it with others and that I swim in happiness. I’ve been told that all I do is sleep, eat, breathe and live depression. I can think of so many people who are probably thinking they never saw it comin’–me and depression.

I keep trying to think of how to say what I want to without coming undone and making a fool of myself online. I’ve been VERY open about my life and my struggles for about 7ish years now. That’s a long time and A LOT of sadness. 

Yes, I do wake up and sometimes, I cannot get out of bed. Yes, I do have a hard time starting the car and driving to work. Yes, I do have anxiety about whether or not I can make it through the next 5 minutes. Yes, I do literally count down the seconds until I can go home from work. Yes, I do get sad when I’m alone, or when Brady is at work/school. I do get sad, even with Lucy. Yes, my mind does wander and my anxiety predicts my future.

Yes to all of these things. I’m being pulled in two different directions. Half of people I know say to “buck up” and “be happy”. Stop being sad. The other half of people I know say to “grieve how you want” and “it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling.” I’ve got people who want me to live life one way and people who say it’s okay to live life another way. Isn’t that ironic though? People tell you to grieve and that it’s different for everyone? Yet, when you grieve they suddenly become experts on how to grieve and how YOU should grieve too? It’s amazing.

When I first started to experience depression, I didn’t know where to look. I didn’t know WHAT to look up. I wasn’t old enough to just drive myself right on over to the doctors and start “talking.” The Church didn’t have any publication on depression or mental health for matter and that was really hard to deal with. I’ve tried every medication under the sun. I’ve tried every breathing exercise you can suggest, and I’ve also tried exercise like a million times. What works for YOU or someone else is not and I repeat not always going to work for ME or someone else. If you don’t want to see this or read this stuff anymore, don’t. It’s as easy as that. If this drives you bonkers then unfollow. You’re not always going to like what you see and THAT. IS. LIFE.

I don’t know if people will ever understand that. Yes, I do get exhausted being sad all the time. Yes, I do get tired of living with depression. You bet your bottom dollar that I’m sick of taking medication and going to therapy. Yes, I’m tired of talking about it too. No, I don’t think I’m meant to be sad forever. No, I don’t think God punished me. No, I don’t think that I can just be happy right when you tell me to choose to be. Sure, I can definitely make an effort but when it’s something in your brain that affects your choice to be happy, no matter how much medication you’re on, it isn’t always going to solve it. Yes, I wish I didn’t deal with this anymore. I’m so tired of being sad. Do you know how ashamed I feel on those days when everyone tells me to be strong, and then I’m not? Depression just knocking on my door for that one.

But here’s what I’m doing with it while it’s here. I’m going to make the best of it. I’ve driven too many friends out of my life because of it. I’ve ruined so many relationships because of it. I feel so alone because of it. I’m going to be sharing my ideas of how I manage to get through the day or through the next 5 minutes. Yes, I’m going to talk about how much I miss my dad. Yes, I do plan on sharing my experiences of anxiety and depression while also sharing on the gospel and it’s affect on my mental health. I’m going to share how I write my feelings out in a notebook. I’ve been that one person to leave a comment on a blog that came up in a Google search for “how to deal with anxiety and depression.” I know what it’s like to “have nowhere to turn to.” So yes, I am going to talk about these things. 

I don’t post about these things so that people can complain to me about it. I don’t post to make you feel overwhelmed with how sad I am. I don’t post to make you feel like you need to take care of me. I post for that one person who might stumble across my blog. For that one person who can relate to at least a single sentence in a post from 2014. I blog for that one person who just needs someone to express how THEY’RE feeling but in a way that they can’t. I’m not posting for publicity or popularity. I’m posting for that someone who, like me, feels alone, unconnected and sad. 

Quote made with the Wordswag App

This is life and while it isn’t the fanciest, I’m taking it with what I have and doing my best and that’s ALL you can ask of me. Because for every 1 complaint email I receive, I have 5 thank-you emails waiting for me. THINK before you criticize someone for how they live their life, choose to live their life and how they take care of themselves. Do you really know what’s going on?

xoxo,
Ashley awake @ 12 AM.

The Emily Effect — I’m not a mom, and I know

The Emily Effect by Love Ashley Blog

It isn’t a surprise that I’m sharing my thoughts and feelings on a story that has recently hit the news hard and has gone big. If you haven’t watched The Emily Effect video, you can do so now.

The Emily Effect by Love Ashley Blog

I’ve already watched the news video a lot. I feel like what Emily’s husband Eric, says, isn’t usually how talking of mental health goes. I’ve seen plenty of material and have even thought to myself the same things as others. Suicide and depression and anxiety, ptsd, bipolar disorder… it all has this very same darkness and awkwardness about it. Of course, it’s hard to think about someone taking their own life. It’s awful, sad and confusing. It makes us cringe and we just don’t understand. But that doesn’t mean we should be quiet about it. I’m not going to say that just like treating our body for cancer, we should treat our brains too. We all know that, so I’m not going to spend time on it.

We hear so much talk about ending the stigma, raising awareness and stopping the silence. Often, after the tragedy. There are many foundations out there raising awareness, and it’s bringing a lot more attention to these mental health issues. Just like the Emily Effect. Her story is bringing attention to the reality of depression and anxiety, specifically with being a mother. I’m not a mother, I don’t know when I will be, but that doesn’t mean I don’t understand. I’ve been in the hospital for depression before, and I’ve been with other patients who did have PPD. People view PPD as a mother who feels like they are going to hurt their child. Some really do feel that way, but there are those moms who don’t and just feel the heaviness of depression and anxiety.

What I think is so amazing about The Emily Effect is that it is bringing awareness to others, and especially mothers, that you’re not crazy. No one thinks you are making it up or just complaining about taking care of a newborn. Your emotions, thoughts, feelings and actions are real. They are so real. Everything about mental health needs to be taken seriously, because who wants to wait for something to happen to take it seriously? No one does. Depression sucks, anxiety is terrible and we all hate talking about it. But why? Why don’t we talk about it with each other? Especially those who experience the same thing? Maybe we’re ashamed. Maybe we’re scared. Maybe we’re ashamed and feel embarrassed that we actually have a mental health issue.

Over the years, as I have gone through my own battle with depression and anxiety, I have learned a lot about myself. I don’t want to say that I’m happy God gave me this trial to work through. Because I am absolutely not glad. But it is what it is, and I will take it and I will work through every single day. God didn’t make me this way. God didn’t “put it in my plan” to have depression and anxiety. And if he did, well… guess he’s trying to teach me. Maybe he did because in order to magnify my talents and serve others, I need to work through this. We’ll never know. I seriously could go on and on. It is a topic very near and dear to my heart.

You’ll need coffee shops and sunsets and road trips. Airplanes and passports and new songs and old songs, but people more than anything else. You will need other people and you will need to be that other person to someone else, a living, breathing screaming invitation to believe better things.

— TWLOHA

You matter. Whether you’re a mom or not. Whether it is PPD or just MDD. Whether it’s your first or sixth child, it still matters. We, need you here. You probably hear that a lot and think, yeah right. But you have no idea. There is a plan for everyone, and there is a time for everyone. We might not all believe in God or life after death. But we do believe in living. We believe in our potential and our dreams. There is so much goodness to live for. Especially on days that are darkest… I need you. We all need you. To stay, to be with us. Oh how loved you are.

To all of you who are reading this, let go of the offensive, nasty, negative, rude feelings that are caused by other people and/or actions. How awful would it be, to feel so unwanted and so unneeded… and YOU have the chance to change that. YOU have the chance to be that one person for someone, who just might change their mind about suicide, leaving their family, their plan, their feelings of hurting others. Because YOU chose to remember that oftentimes, people don’t speak up about their depression but you can speak up for them. Let’s build each other up. Let’s bring awareness, whether it hits home for you or not. Bring awareness for someone else. Be the voice. #StopSuicide.