There’s a lot of controversy over my blog. A lot of people love it while a lot of people hate it.
“It’s so nice to hear someone else going through the same thing!”
“Isn’t it exhausting? Talking about it all the time?”
More often than not, I get negative comments, messages, phone calls… anything from something I posted. I get it. I posted it which means that I’m “asking for it.” And while that may be true to you, I’m not posting for you.
I’m not going to say that I was that I loooooove this trial/blessing of depression and anxiety and that it is my calling to have it and to live it and to share it with others and that I swim in happiness. I’ve been told that all I do is sleep, eat, breathe and live depression. I can think of so many people who are probably thinking they never saw it comin’–me and depression.
I keep trying to think of how to say what I want to without coming undone and making a fool of myself online. I’ve been VERY open about my life and my struggles for about 7ish years now. That’s a long time and A LOT of sadness.
Yes, I do wake up and sometimes, I cannot get out of bed. Yes, I do have a hard time starting the car and driving to work. Yes, I do have anxiety about whether or not I can make it through the next 5 minutes. Yes, I do literally count down the seconds until I can go home from work. Yes, I do get sad when I’m alone, or when Brady is at work/school. I do get sad, even with Lucy. Yes, my mind does wander and my anxiety predicts my future.
Yes to all of these things. I’m being pulled in two different directions. Half of people I know say to “buck up” and “be happy”. Stop being sad. The other half of people I know say to “grieve how you want” and “it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling.” I’ve got people who want me to live life one way and people who say it’s okay to live life another way. Isn’t that ironic though? People tell you to grieve and that it’s different for everyone? Yet, when you grieve they suddenly become experts on how to grieve and how YOU should grieve too? It’s amazing.
When I first started to experience depression, I didn’t know where to look. I didn’t know WHAT to look up. I wasn’t old enough to just drive myself right on over to the doctors and start “talking.” The Church didn’t have any publication on depression or mental health for matter and that was really hard to deal with. I’ve tried every medication under the sun. I’ve tried every breathing exercise you can suggest, and I’ve also tried exercise like a million times. What works for YOU or someone else is not and I repeat not always going to work for ME or someone else. If you don’t want to see this or read this stuff anymore, don’t. It’s as easy as that. If this drives you bonkers then unfollow. You’re not always going to like what you see and THAT. IS. LIFE.
I don’t know if people will ever understand that. Yes, I do get exhausted being sad all the time. Yes, I do get tired of living with depression. You bet your bottom dollar that I’m sick of taking medication and going to therapy. Yes, I’m tired of talking about it too. No, I don’t think I’m meant to be sad forever. No, I don’t think God punished me. No, I don’t think that I can just be happy right when you tell me to choose to be. Sure, I can definitely make an effort but when it’s something in your brain that affects your choice to be happy, no matter how much medication you’re on, it isn’t always going to solve it. Yes, I wish I didn’t deal with this anymore. I’m so tired of being sad. Do you know how ashamed I feel on those days when everyone tells me to be strong, and then I’m not? Depression just knocking on my door for that one.
But here’s what I’m doing with it while it’s here. I’m going to make the best of it. I’ve driven too many friends out of my life because of it. I’ve ruined so many relationships because of it. I feel so alone because of it. I’m going to be sharing my ideas of how I manage to get through the day or through the next 5 minutes. Yes, I’m going to talk about how much I miss my dad. Yes, I do plan on sharing my experiences of anxiety and depression while also sharing on the gospel and it’s affect on my mental health. I’m going to share how I write my feelings out in a notebook. I’ve been that one person to leave a comment on a blog that came up in a Google search for “how to deal with anxiety and depression.” I know what it’s like to “have nowhere to turn to.” So yes, I am going to talk about these things.
I don’t post about these things so that people can complain to me about it. I don’t post to make you feel overwhelmed with how sad I am. I don’t post to make you feel like you need to take care of me. I post for that one person who might stumble across my blog. For that one person who can relate to at least a single sentence in a post from 2014. I blog for that one person who just needs someone to express how THEY’RE feeling but in a way that they can’t. I’m not posting for publicity or popularity. I’m posting for that someone who, like me, feels alone, unconnected and sad.
This is life and while it isn’t the fanciest, I’m taking it with what I have and doing my best and that’s ALL you can ask of me. Because for every 1 complaint email I receive, I have 5 thank-you emails waiting for me. THINK before you criticize someone for how they live their life, choose to live their life and how they take care of themselves. Do you really know what’s going on?
Ashley awake @ 12 AM.