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Mr. Scooter Boy

October 18, 2017

I miss Scooter so much!! We’ve had this cutie pie for his entire life. His long 15 years of life. For about a year now he’s had health issues. Bladder stones, arthritis, anxiety, and a few more things. Gosh I just miss him so much.

Last Sunday (not just this past Sunday), we had a neighbor over visiting with my mom and Scooter was laying down in his bed. He was laying there for less than a minute before he yelped and started to walk off of his bed, but slowly. I could tell that he was in pain all of a sudden but something in my heart just told me that it was different pain.. like something was really wrong. I sent my sister a text to let her know but he kept yelping every time he tried to lay down. We weren’t really sure why but she called me and told me to give him some medicine to see if that will help for the time being because it usually does. He’s on crazy meds at this point because he’s so old! Haha poor fella.

Later that night my mom and sister decided to take him to the emergency vet. The vet told them it was probably a slipped disk or something in his neck causing him extreme pain but the only way to know for sure is to do an MRI. MRI’s cost $$$$ and he’s 15 years old. He’s already struggling so much and MRI’s are expensive. The next morning, my sister told me this information and told me that we may be faced with the decision to put him down. I was shocked and not expecting it at all. She was planning on calling his vet right when they opened to take him in so she could take a look at him (because she knows his “unique” case!! lol), but I had to leave for work so I told her to call me as soon as she knew what his vet had to say.

I was only at work for maybe 5 minutes before my sister called me and confirmed that his vet agreed with the emergency vet and that we would likely need an MRI and with him being so old, we are faced with that decision. I just started bawling and luckily my boss let me go home to be with my family and I am so so so so grateful, to this day!! When I got home we were all just a mess. It was so hard. I didn’t expect to cry as hard and as much as I did. Not because I didn’t love him a lot or anything, I just didn’t think it would affect me the way that it did. I love Scooter so much.

Jessica always planned to buy Scooter a cheese burger when we put him down so we headed to McDonald’s together (my mom, Jess and I). Dumb McDonald’s wasn’t selling lunch yet so we just got him an egg mcmuffin or something. He devoured the thing like his typical self. Gosh, just writing this makes my heart miss him so much. When we arrived at the vet, we were able to take our time with him. His vet was amazing and so so considerate of us and this difficult time. Jess got to hold Scooter when he passed and I’m so glad. I think it helped her through it. She has taken AMAZING care of him over the last couple of years as his body has slowly started getting worse. We all just cried, said our goodbyes, gave him so many kisses and cried more when he was gone. I have never experienced putting a dog down. I’ve had Scooter my entire life.

How do people do this?? HOW DOES THE VET DO THIS?? My heart is just broken. We were all so shattered. We came with Scooter and we left without him :( :( :( My heart hurts for him. We’re doing okay… I think the best we can. It’s amazing how much I miss the most annoying things about him but I do. There’s no bark when the doorbell rings. When food is dropped on the floor, there’s no dog to quickly eat it up. There’s no snuggling or running around the kitchen. No more squeaky toys or Christmas presents. No more treats or dog food. No more “letting him out” one more time before we all go to bed. No more giving him his medicine every day. When you walk through the garage door after work, he isn’t there to greet you anymore. Just the other day I had been out browsing the store for a couple of hours and the thought came to my mind, “I should get home and let Scooter out,” only to realize that he wasn’t going to be there. I just miss knowing he was upstairs when I was home. I miss telling him to shut up when he couldn’t stop barking at my husband coming home from work. The boys have asked us where he went and we just tell him that he lives in heaven now with grandpa (my dad). 

I just don’t think I can ever own a dog again. I don’t ever ever ever ever want to do that again. It has been one of the hardest, and different, deaths I’ve ever had in my life. We miss him so much. Especially my sister. We have so many fun photos to look at, videos to watch, dumb memories to laugh about… we’re going to be okay, it’s just getting used to life without him that’s kind of hard. I’m glad I have the support system that I do because we’ve lost a lot of people over the last two years. 

Scooter has been a best friend of mine for a long time. When I experienced loss in high school, Scooter just knew that I needed extra loving. He just knew that snuggling with me, laying with me in the middle of the night while I cried, was what I needed. He was very connected when it came to snuggle time. He did dumb stuff, and he just made me laugh all the time. Like, I remember specifically, I was playing ball with him inside the house (when he was young & wild). We would throw the ball down the stairs and then laugh at how his butt wiggled when he ran down the stairs. LOL I threw the ball towards the stairs and it smacked him in the face, right between his eyes. I laughed so hard, forever!!!! Hahaha, seriously. Or the many, many times that we threw a blanket over him and then said, “Where’s Scooter? Scooooooter!! Where’s Scooter?” and he would go NUTS under the blanket trying to find a way out. Hahaha we drove him crazy with that.

We love you Scooter!! So much. No matter how much you drove us crazy. Please annoy dad in heaven for us!!! ;) Until we meet again.

Happy Anniversary!!

July 13, 2017

Brady and I had a really relaxed anniversary! It was on a Monday which was totally a bummer but whatevs, we had a good time! We stayed local and relaxed at home. We watched something together, and then for dinner, we went to the Cheesecake Factory Mmmmm!! So stinkin’ good! Brady had a gift card that we used. Thank goodness! That place can be expensive!! But so good.

I still can’t believe we’ve been married 4 years. 4 YEARS. I know many of you out there think that it’s nothing, but to me, that’s a long time. That’s 2 missions!! ;) I’m learning to find who I am with Brady. That probably doesn’t make any sense but I’ve struggled to leave my single life with friends behind, and be with my husband friend more! Not that it’s wrong to have friends when you’re married but I struggled with this life changing event. I love Brady with all of my heart, and we have endured so much. But when I finally decided for myself that it was time to change my nutrition and exercise habits, it literally changed everything in my life.

My relationship and friendship with Brady became stronger. I started to cherish, more, the time that we spent together. When I had free time, I would spend as much of it with him that I could before he had to go to work or something. I haven’t given Brady enough credit, and on this blog it looks like I battle this life alone, but it’s not true. Brady is the only person who has been through every teeny tiny thing with me. Like when I worked ALL of my hours for 2 months straight, with zero panic attacks OR missing work. He held me that one time I cried all day because I was physically feeling so depressed.

He is my everything and does everything, just for me. I’m grateful he is mine, and forever!!

The day before our anniversary (Sunday), we went to Church and then to my grandparents’ home for a birthday bbq. My grandparents’ birthday are 2 days apart so it was fun to celebrate both of them! Because of this, we also got to see our Lucy girl. We just love her so much and miss her everyday but are so grateful for her “foster family,” my grandparents & aunt.

The Man I Married

July 8, 2017

I call this the “babe face,” or “Brady face.” 💛 When he looks at me like that, my heart completely melts. It’s a soft, confident, genuine look of love and happiness. It’s the set-everything-aside-I’m-totally-serious look… the one that sees right through me and tells me that I have indeed found the one in whom my soul loves.

Brady is so patient with me. My life has not gone as planned in any direction I have, or have tried, to take. It is frustrating, and it is lonely. I feel like I will never get a chance to do the things that I want to do; which is everything. I have been humbled in my efforts to choose to be and feel and live happy this past week. I’m really trying… I really am. I am doing a lot of self-pep talks and things. God has shown me a side of my heart that I haven’t seen in a very long time.

Brady and I are kind of in the middle of making some decisions regarding our future plans and all that comes with it. It’s scary, it’s intense (mostly for me 😉) and it is trying. I have called upon God many-a-times this week to help me to just be happy and to see things as Brady sees them. To trust my husband and not that devil on my shoulder named anxiety. It has been hard, not in an ignorant or complaining way. Anxiety is hard.

But when I throw aside all of my arguments, all of my wants and dislikes.. I’m finally able to see the man that I love and married and dated and waited for. I am able to see him as more than I ever have. The unknown frightens me to death and leaves me feeling so physically sick. This week, I have had talks with myself, doing self-soothing and all, and when I stand outside of my box, I see that Brady is seeking out my happiness, he is seeking out our happily ever after, he is planning for the future we both dream of… the future we will work hard for.

I love my husband very, very much. I have made it very well known since he left on his mission 7 years ago 😉 and I will keep making it known. I love talking, writing and sharing how happy & loved he makes me feel. I love sharing that happy part of my life with you. And I’m sure those readers who’ve been around a long time are probably happy to read happy posts!! My husband isn’t the enemy that my depression & anxiety make me feel. He isn’t keeping me from doing things I want. He does believe in me, and he wants what’s best for me.

I’ll leave you with this. When we met with our Stake President for our temple recommends and sealing recommend for our wedding day, he shared with us something that will stay with me through all eternity. He said, “if you put his/her happiness before your own, you will be happy.” 💕 My gosh, can I just tell you how true it is! 

I love my husband and his happiness is my happiness.


What I Can Do with My Anxiety

June 19, 2017

I’ve been having a no-good, horrible, very-bad day. It started with going to work. A huge panic attack arose. I couldn’t fight it, I kept it in as long as I could. Then I broke down. Cried really hard. Confessed honest feelings about myself to my husband. And here I am, watching Netflix already feeling panic about going to work tomorrow. 

After talking to my husband & my mom about the things I can’t do in regards to my life and mental health, I started to feel tired. I usually do. Crying brings a migraine and that brings exhaustion. But I felt strongly about making a list a things I CAN do when I’m experiencing anxiety.

It’s so hard to coninually feel like all you do is negative. All you talk is negative. Your thinking–negative. Because that’s anxiety. But I want people to know that I can function when I’m experiencing anxiety. Even if I can’t hold a job, I can still be productive and take care of myself too.

  • Read a book
  • Go to the temple and serve
  • Craft/create
  • Therapy
  • Clean
  • Small business from home
  • Meet with Karli–meal planning
  • Exercise ☝︎
  • Learn a new skill
  • Spend time with family/nephews
  • Go to the library
  • Blog
  • Maybe start growing a garden?
  • Go to church
  • Take notes on something
  • Hiking

These are just a few things I know that I can handle when I’m feeling anxious. I’m not some lazy human who sits at home and sulks in sadness. Of course, there isn’t anything wrong with staying home. But I also enjoy having many interests, it’s part of being an ESFJ.

I’m going to try to make a self-care kit and probably include some of these!