Browsing Category | determination

Looking Back

I had a conversation with someone recently, and it sort of lit a small fire inside my heart.

I am always trying to find validation somewhere. I’m always trying to find my worth in worldly things. I only say that because everything I’ve tried to tie my worth to, has failed. I talk a lot about failure, hard times and sadness here on this blog. It’s just been my life for a very long time.

My last therapy session was really hard. It’s kind of what I call the “graduation” session. When you don’t really have anything else to work through. You know that therapy is there, if you ever need to come back, but that you’re doing okay. Before the session was over, my therapist asked me, “Does it make you uncomfortable not being in crisis?” And I just started crying. It does. It totally does. It’s so uncomfortable for me. It’s so uncomfortable for me to just be happy, each and everyday and have “nothing” to work through. Nothing to think about or ponder about. It’s just gone.

I’m not saying that I’m 100% okay. Because we all have our fair-share of crappy days, but for the most part I’ve been doing really well. I was going to share this on my personal blog but I felt it more appropriate for here. Looking back on my blog(s), Instagram, Twitter and Facebook, I notice a consistent share in what truly makes me happy. What truly matters most to me that I choose to share with the world.

My Mormon faith.
My husband/marriage.
My family.
& the occasional hobby, interests, or quote goodness.

That’s what I want to continue doing. That’s really what I want to live my life doing. I did it before marriage, before college, before photography. I happily shared what I loved and I didn’t hold back. Sometimes I’m particular about what I share, because we only ever want to share what’s GOOD, #amiright? But I want to try to be more open to the goodness in my life and around me, and change that. I want to post crappy photos to my Instagram, or share about my most recent vending machine problem experience. I love it. I love love love love it.

Most importantly though, sharing my faith. I love being a Mormon. I love being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I love going to Church. I love going to the temple!! I love reading my scriptures and my most favorite store in the whole wide world, is Deseret Book. It’s natural for me to feel this way. I feel most comfortable living this way because it’s me. It’s just me. It’s who I am.

I’m sorry if you dislike those who “overshare” their faith, but I’m not sorry that it’s who I am and it’s what makes me most happy in life. I do have an idea of a product I might sell if I get enough interest but that’s a secret in the works!


May we take seriously the Lord’s call to “be of good cheer, for I will lead you along.” He leads us by the Holy Ghost. May we live close to the Spirit, acting quickly upon our first promptings, knowing they come from God. I bear witness of the power of the Holy Ghost to guide us, guard us, and ever be with us, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

– Ronald A. Rasband

That Entrepreneur Life – Multipotentialite

Ashley Ziegler headshot by Abbey Kyhl

According to Wikipedia (the most untrusted website) a Multipotentialite is:

An educational and psychological term referring to a pattern found among intellectually gifted individuals. [Multipotentialites] generally have diverse interests across numerous domains and may be capable of success in many endeavors or professions, they are confronted with unique decisions as a result of these choices.

AKA we never know what she is doing because she always changes her mind.

The first thing that came to my mind was, is this really a thing? I laughed about it for a bit the other day, seriously and laughing at the idea of it. Someone must have made this word up. It totally sounds like a made up word. And maybe it is, I’ll never know. But after doing more research, and watching this awesome TED talk, I’m starting to finally feel understood.

I can’t even begin to tell you/express how embarrassing it is to constantly be jumping from the next adventure to the next and hearing from others how it all just looks crazy and they just never know what I’m up to. Clients won’t want to book me because they’re afraid I’ll just cancel or change my mind on them. Nobody will want to buy my cute stickers that I make, in my Etsy shop, because there are soooo many people who already do. And my newest adventure, nail school? Yeah, I won’t be able to make enough to pay back what I spent on schooling… it’s depressing and extremely frustrating.

It’s a daily, consistent battle with myself. Do I really need to do anything at all? Do I really need to just find one thing? Can I really just enjoy having a job and nothing else? Can I handle just coming home and not having anything to do and be content with that? Do I really have the courage to give up my photography business, throw the nail school idea out the window, and believe that my designs for Etsy aren’t going to interest anyone?

Nobody is at fault here, and nobody has made these decisions or caused these questions. It’s how I’m wired. It’s just who I am. Entrepreneur? Probably, I can definitely be that. Creative? It’s my favorite outlet for ALL of my emotions. Each time I was in the hospital, my favorite therapy session was art therapy. I always felt most calm, most “in my element,” and most content. It’s the real deal for me.

I’m just ready to accept that I’m always going to be changing interests. I don’t have a “calling.” If I do, there’s definitely more than one. I’m happiest knowing that I can do and be whatever I want to be. I don’t have to be a doctor just because I’m really smart. I don’t have to be a wedding photographer just because I know how to use a camera. I can make all the flippin’ stickers I want because if no one else uses them, I know I will. I guess the price I pay for following many of my interests is the frustration that comes with road blocks. I’m sure it’ll always be that way. But I know, hope, believe and have faith in myself, and that I can do anything I put my mind and heart into.


Are you a multipotentialite? Let’s be friends!



Up in the gym just workin’ on my fitness

I’ve put off blogging about this for a little over two weeks now but decided that since I’m now committed than I ever thought I’d be, why not share?

So a couple of weeks ago I kind of had a “lightbulb” turn on, or whatever. There comes a point in your life where people can say all of these things to encourage you to do something or make a change. They can tell you all of the good things that come from it, and how they know by experience that all of these things are good. People can tell you time and time again until you’re blue in the face.

For me, that was exercise and nutrition.

But nothing will happen until YOU come to grips with yourself and make that decision YOURSELF and for YOU. Nobody can make you lose weight. Nobody can make you choose to eat carrots instead of cheetos. Until you come to the realization that you want this for yourself, it’ll never happen from someone else.

I’m finally in that place. So I got myself together and made the brave decision to start seeing the same gal that my sister sees, who helps her with her diet. It’s amazing! She’s been so wonderful to work with, even though I’m only on week two. HAHA

Anyway, the first week was really hard. Like REALLY hard. My first day (why I chose this day, I know not), I photographed a wedding so I couldn’t make my dinner because I wouldn’t be home. I lived off of water that day. I was starving. The next day or two, food was all I could think about. Literally. Then it got a bit better after having the same snacks every other day and meals. I really tried hard to make myself try something new: like string cheese.

I’m not doing any 30-day diet, or some exercise program. In fact, during my first week of eating differently, I didn’t exercise ONCE… not ONCE. And I’m happy to report that I lost 4 POUNDS and 3.5 inches total!!! :) I can’t believe it. I was so shocked. And the best part, I actually enjoy eating all of the food that I have been (minus a few items). This next week is simple and should be pretty easy which is nice since we’re packing up and moving Saturday.

All I can say is, you have to do something like this for yourself because you want to. Don’t do it for anyone else but yourself. You can do this, do it with me! :) I’ll cheer you on. Follow me here on insta: @ashcanfitness

SW: 233.8
CW: 229.2
GW: 155


One Little Word — April 2017

One Little Word 2017 by A Life She Loved: Piece by Piece Through Love and Faith

Please feel free to link your blogs and share with us each month your ‘One Little Word.’ We’re so excited for this!!

One Little Word 2017 — January by A Life She Loved: Piece by Piece Through Love and Faith

Mama Motivates | Aubrey Zaruba | A Life She Loved | The Morrell Tale | The Banks Blog


Let’s see how I did in March!

  • Finish reading Quitter by Jon Acuff
  • Start reading Blackberry Crumble by Josi S. Kilpack
  • Study Psalms and pray each night
  • Attend the temple every week, bring a friend if I can
  • Get my virtual assistant website set up as well as social media accounts
  • Plan out my mom’s real estate business posts
  • Spend time on the brand new treadmills in the apartment club house
  • Visit my academic adviser to get my hold removed from my account and go over my future college career!
  • Read at least 10 verses in the Book of Mormon
  • Read 1 chapter in the Book of Mormon with Brady each day
  • Create book presentation for work (this week!)

Not too shabby. March was a crazy busy month for me. One that just did its own thing and I didn’t like it very much. I’m so happy that April is here. Not for any reason other than I love the rain and Spring weather. I anticipate this month to be different from any other month, ever. My dads 1 year passing is this month and I really want to stay focused on my goals this month and do my best to remain positive each day!
My word(s) for April is: PRIORITIES FIRST!


What do I want to accomplish this month?

  • Edit 2 weddings
  • Pack up our apartment (more on that later!)
    • 1 room-ish per week!
  • Finish reading ‘Worth the Wait’ and hopefully finish ‘The Burnout Cure’
  • Read whatever you want in the Standard Works of scripture
  • Go to the temple each week
  • Go to the temple with Brady
  • Create monthly Budget for April & May
  • Move emergency savings to a different account
  • Work all hours each week – 24hrs/wk
  • Attend all 3 hours of church each week
  • Go to gym M-F
  • Work on something creative

Happy April!





I Don’t Post About Depression for You

Quote made with the Wordswag App

There’s a lot of controversy over my blog. A lot of people love it while a lot of people hate it.

“It’s so nice to hear someone else going through the same thing!”

“Isn’t it exhausting? Talking about it all the time?”

More often than not, I get negative comments, messages, phone calls… anything from something I posted. I get it. I posted it which means that I’m “asking for it.” And while that may be true to you, I’m not posting for you.

I’m not going to say that I was that I loooooove this trial/blessing of depression and anxiety and that it is my calling to have it and to live it and to share it with others and that I swim in happiness. I’ve been told that all I do is sleep, eat, breathe and live depression. I can think of so many people who are probably thinking they never saw it comin’–me and depression.

I keep trying to think of how to say what I want to without coming undone and making a fool of myself online. I’ve been VERY open about my life and my struggles for about 7ish years now. That’s a long time and A LOT of sadness. 

Yes, I do wake up and sometimes, I cannot get out of bed. Yes, I do have a hard time starting the car and driving to work. Yes, I do have anxiety about whether or not I can make it through the next 5 minutes. Yes, I do literally count down the seconds until I can go home from work. Yes, I do get sad when I’m alone, or when Brady is at work/school. I do get sad, even with Lucy. Yes, my mind does wander and my anxiety predicts my future.

Yes to all of these things. I’m being pulled in two different directions. Half of people I know say to “buck up” and “be happy”. Stop being sad. The other half of people I know say to “grieve how you want” and “it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling.” I’ve got people who want me to live life one way and people who say it’s okay to live life another way. Isn’t that ironic though? People tell you to grieve and that it’s different for everyone? Yet, when you grieve they suddenly become experts on how to grieve and how YOU should grieve too? It’s amazing.

When I first started to experience depression, I didn’t know where to look. I didn’t know WHAT to look up. I wasn’t old enough to just drive myself right on over to the doctors and start “talking.” The Church didn’t have any publication on depression or mental health for matter and that was really hard to deal with. I’ve tried every medication under the sun. I’ve tried every breathing exercise you can suggest, and I’ve also tried exercise like a million times. What works for YOU or someone else is not and I repeat not always going to work for ME or someone else. If you don’t want to see this or read this stuff anymore, don’t. It’s as easy as that. If this drives you bonkers then unfollow. You’re not always going to like what you see and THAT. IS. LIFE.

I don’t know if people will ever understand that. Yes, I do get exhausted being sad all the time. Yes, I do get tired of living with depression. You bet your bottom dollar that I’m sick of taking medication and going to therapy. Yes, I’m tired of talking about it too. No, I don’t think I’m meant to be sad forever. No, I don’t think God punished me. No, I don’t think that I can just be happy right when you tell me to choose to be. Sure, I can definitely make an effort but when it’s something in your brain that affects your choice to be happy, no matter how much medication you’re on, it isn’t always going to solve it. Yes, I wish I didn’t deal with this anymore. I’m so tired of being sad. Do you know how ashamed I feel on those days when everyone tells me to be strong, and then I’m not? Depression just knocking on my door for that one.

But here’s what I’m doing with it while it’s here. I’m going to make the best of it. I’ve driven too many friends out of my life because of it. I’ve ruined so many relationships because of it. I feel so alone because of it. I’m going to be sharing my ideas of how I manage to get through the day or through the next 5 minutes. Yes, I’m going to talk about how much I miss my dad. Yes, I do plan on sharing my experiences of anxiety and depression while also sharing on the gospel and it’s affect on my mental health. I’m going to share how I write my feelings out in a notebook. I’ve been that one person to leave a comment on a blog that came up in a Google search for “how to deal with anxiety and depression.” I know what it’s like to “have nowhere to turn to.” So yes, I am going to talk about these things. 

I don’t post about these things so that people can complain to me about it. I don’t post to make you feel overwhelmed with how sad I am. I don’t post to make you feel like you need to take care of me. I post for that one person who might stumble across my blog. For that one person who can relate to at least a single sentence in a post from 2014. I blog for that one person who just needs someone to express how THEY’RE feeling but in a way that they can’t. I’m not posting for publicity or popularity. I’m posting for that someone who, like me, feels alone, unconnected and sad. 

Quote made with the Wordswag App

This is life and while it isn’t the fanciest, I’m taking it with what I have and doing my best and that’s ALL you can ask of me. Because for every 1 complaint email I receive, I have 5 thank-you emails waiting for me. THINK before you criticize someone for how they live their life, choose to live their life and how they take care of themselves. Do you really know what’s going on?

Ashley awake @ 12 AM.