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Mr. Scooter Boy

October 18, 2017

I miss Scooter so much!! We’ve had this cutie pie for his entire life. His long 15 years of life. For about a year now he’s had health issues. Bladder stones, arthritis, anxiety, and a few more things. Gosh I just miss him so much.

Last Sunday (not just this past Sunday), we had a neighbor over visiting with my mom and Scooter was laying down in his bed. He was laying there for less than a minute before he yelped and started to walk off of his bed, but slowly. I could tell that he was in pain all of a sudden but something in my heart just told me that it was different pain.. like something was really wrong. I sent my sister a text to let her know but he kept yelping every time he tried to lay down. We weren’t really sure why but she called me and told me to give him some medicine to see if that will help for the time being because it usually does. He’s on crazy meds at this point because he’s so old! Haha poor fella.

Later that night my mom and sister decided to take him to the emergency vet. The vet told them it was probably a slipped disk or something in his neck causing him extreme pain but the only way to know for sure is to do an MRI. MRI’s cost $$$$ and he’s 15 years old. He’s already struggling so much and MRI’s are expensive. The next morning, my sister told me this information and told me that we may be faced with the decision to put him down. I was shocked and not expecting it at all. She was planning on calling his vet right when they opened to take him in so she could take a look at him (because she knows his “unique” case!! lol), but I had to leave for work so I told her to call me as soon as she knew what his vet had to say.

I was only at work for maybe 5 minutes before my sister called me and confirmed that his vet agreed with the emergency vet and that we would likely need an MRI and with him being so old, we are faced with that decision. I just started bawling and luckily my boss let me go home to be with my family and I am so so so so grateful, to this day!! When I got home we were all just a mess. It was so hard. I didn’t expect to cry as hard and as much as I did. Not because I didn’t love him a lot or anything, I just didn’t think it would affect me the way that it did. I love Scooter so much.

Jessica always planned to buy Scooter a cheese burger when we put him down so we headed to McDonald’s together (my mom, Jess and I). Dumb McDonald’s wasn’t selling lunch yet so we just got him an egg mcmuffin or something. He devoured the thing like his typical self. Gosh, just writing this makes my heart miss him so much. When we arrived at the vet, we were able to take our time with him. His vet was amazing and so so considerate of us and this difficult time. Jess got to hold Scooter when he passed and I’m so glad. I think it helped her through it. She has taken AMAZING care of him over the last couple of years as his body has slowly started getting worse. We all just cried, said our goodbyes, gave him so many kisses and cried more when he was gone. I have never experienced putting a dog down. I’ve had Scooter my entire life.

How do people do this?? HOW DOES THE VET DO THIS?? My heart is just broken. We were all so shattered. We came with Scooter and we left without him :( :( :( My heart hurts for him. We’re doing okay… I think the best we can. It’s amazing how much I miss the most annoying things about him but I do. There’s no bark when the doorbell rings. When food is dropped on the floor, there’s no dog to quickly eat it up. There’s no snuggling or running around the kitchen. No more squeaky toys or Christmas presents. No more treats or dog food. No more “letting him out” one more time before we all go to bed. No more giving him his medicine every day. When you walk through the garage door after work, he isn’t there to greet you anymore. Just the other day I had been out browsing the store for a couple of hours and the thought came to my mind, “I should get home and let Scooter out,” only to realize that he wasn’t going to be there. I just miss knowing he was upstairs when I was home. I miss telling him to shut up when he couldn’t stop barking at my husband coming home from work. The boys have asked us where he went and we just tell him that he lives in heaven now with grandpa (my dad). 

I just don’t think I can ever own a dog again. I don’t ever ever ever ever want to do that again. It has been one of the hardest, and different, deaths I’ve ever had in my life. We miss him so much. Especially my sister. We have so many fun photos to look at, videos to watch, dumb memories to laugh about… we’re going to be okay, it’s just getting used to life without him that’s kind of hard. I’m glad I have the support system that I do because we’ve lost a lot of people over the last two years. 

Scooter has been a best friend of mine for a long time. When I experienced loss in high school, Scooter just knew that I needed extra loving. He just knew that snuggling with me, laying with me in the middle of the night while I cried, was what I needed. He was very connected when it came to snuggle time. He did dumb stuff, and he just made me laugh all the time. Like, I remember specifically, I was playing ball with him inside the house (when he was young & wild). We would throw the ball down the stairs and then laugh at how his butt wiggled when he ran down the stairs. LOL I threw the ball towards the stairs and it smacked him in the face, right between his eyes. I laughed so hard, forever!!!! Hahaha, seriously. Or the many, many times that we threw a blanket over him and then said, “Where’s Scooter? Scooooooter!! Where’s Scooter?” and he would go NUTS under the blanket trying to find a way out. Hahaha we drove him crazy with that.

We love you Scooter!! So much. No matter how much you drove us crazy. Please annoy dad in heaven for us!!! ;) Until we meet again.

What I Can Do with My Anxiety

June 19, 2017

I’ve been having a no-good, horrible, very-bad day. It started with going to work. A huge panic attack arose. I couldn’t fight it, I kept it in as long as I could. Then I broke down. Cried really hard. Confessed honest feelings about myself to my husband. And here I am, watching Netflix already feeling panic about going to work tomorrow. 

After talking to my husband & my mom about the things I can’t do in regards to my life and mental health, I started to feel tired. I usually do. Crying brings a migraine and that brings exhaustion. But I felt strongly about making a list a things I CAN do when I’m experiencing anxiety.

It’s so hard to coninually feel like all you do is negative. All you talk is negative. Your thinking–negative. Because that’s anxiety. But I want people to know that I can function when I’m experiencing anxiety. Even if I can’t hold a job, I can still be productive and take care of myself too.

  • Read a book
  • Go to the temple and serve
  • Craft/create
  • Therapy
  • Clean
  • Small business from home
  • Meet with Karli–meal planning
  • Exercise ☝︎
  • Learn a new skill
  • Spend time with family/nephews
  • Go to the library
  • Blog
  • Maybe start growing a garden?
  • Go to church
  • Take notes on something
  • Hiking

These are just a few things I know that I can handle when I’m feeling anxious. I’m not some lazy human who sits at home and sulks in sadness. Of course, there isn’t anything wrong with staying home. But I also enjoy having many interests, it’s part of being an ESFJ.

I’m going to try to make a self-care kit and probably include some of these!

Memorial Day

June 6, 2017
I’m so grateful for a husband who is patient with me and loves me unconditionally. It hasn’t been easy, these last three years. I’ve been a train wreck ever since my dad was diagnosed, through his passing and up until today. Brady loves me so much and I think I take that for granted.
He is so supportive when I just need a hug, or listening when I just need to shed a tear or a million. Brady and my dad had a really good relationship and my dad loved spending time talking with Brady and just hanging out. It just made my heart so happy. 
My dad served as a United States Marine and it is probably his biggest accomplishment in life. It is a huge part of who he is and I’m proud of him for it! We love you daddy. We miss you so so so so so much. :(  Happy Memorial Day!!
My dad’s grave is right by my grandmother’s grave (moms mom) so we said hello before we left. I didn’t bring her flowers :/ and I felt terrible about it. Haha!! I really wish that I would have been able to get to know her. I was only a few years old when she passed away. I hear so many great things about her—I even have one of her daughters as my mom ;) I love my grandma and I know that she is with my mom always, probably spending time with my dad now, too.

Finding Peace in Jesus Christ — #PRINCEofPEACE

March 31, 2017

I remember exactly where I was. I remember the text I got and I remember at what time. I remember not being able to feel anything except immediate peace and calm.

March 6, 2014 was the day I received a text from my mom that said, “Can you come over? I need to talk to you.” I just knew in my head… I knew it my heart immediately that it was bad news. My dad had surgery to remove his gall bladder, and the surgeons found a “large mass” sitting on his liver. My heart sank. I couldn’t breathe—my chest felt heavy.

I never ever saw this coming, never ever. I had a grandma on both sides of my family that had cancer but I didn’t know if it ran in the family or not. I remember seconds after my mom said the words “large mass,” this strong and powerful feeling of peace and calmness covered my entire body as if someone wrapped a blanket around me. Then, very clearly, I heard the words, “It will be okay. You will be okay.”

It went away. All of the scary, uncertain thoughts rolled right on it and I never thought about what I just heard, again.

My mom called me in minutes after sending me that text message. She couldn’t wait any longer to tell me. I was driving home from work but instead, drove straight to my parents’ home. I don’t even remember who was there when I walked in the door, family maybe…

My mother handed me photos of the large mass and began telling me about everything that had happened that day..

Finding Peace in Jesus Christ — #PRINCEofPEACE by Ashley Ziegler

Fast forward about a year later, I was attending my home ward one Sunday and during Relief Society we had a lesson on the talk, “But If Not” (by Dennis E. Simmons) and my life changed that day. The story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego is one I’ve heard before but that day, it was as if I was hearing it for the very first time.

When Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego refused to bow down and worship a golden image set up by the king, a furious Nebuchadnezzar told them that if they would not worship as commanded, they would immediately be cast into a burning fiery furnace. “And who is that God that shall deliver you out of my hands?”2

The three young men quickly and confidently responded, “If it be so [if you cast us into the furnace], our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand.” That sounds like my eighth-grade kind of faith. But then they demonstrated that they fully understood what faith is. They continued, “But if not, … we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up.”3 That is a statement of true faith.

They knew that they could trust God—even if things didn’t turn out the way they hoped.4 They knew that faith is more than mental assent, more than an acknowledgment that God lives. Faith is total trust in Him.

Faith is believing that although we do not understand all things, He does. Faith is knowing that although our power is limited, His is not. Faith in Jesus Christ consists of complete reliance on Him. (Simmons, Dennis E., 04/2004, GC)

All of the pieces fell into place like a perfect puzzle. The thoughts, “It will be okay. You will be okay.” and “But if not….” kept floating around in my head. It was making sense. I finally understood what the Spirit was telling me about my dad.

My dad will beat cancer! But if not… it will be okay. My dads cancer will not spread! But if not… it will be okay. My dad will not pass away! But if not… it will be okay. The whispering of the Spirit helped me piece together what it had silently and gently taught me. No matter what happens to my dad, my family, myself… I will be okay.

Even though God did not save my dad, I am okay and I know that I will be because I have received a witness from the Holy Ghost that I will see my dad again. I will be with him in the heavens and I will be loved and taken care of by God. All of this is possible through my Savior, Jesus Christ. Because of Him, my family is forever. Because He conquered the chains of death, I will not live in heartache for the rest of my life. He is the #PRINCEofPEACE. He is the peace I felt that day 3 years ago. He is the peace I felt that Sunday during Relief Society. He is the peace I feel today. Because He is, I have peace. I can have peace for the rest of my life. I know this to be true.

#PRINCEofPEACE campaign image via

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